The Complete Alex Quotes

One of the most popular parts of my job is the weekly "Alex quote" at the tail end of my newsletter. These come from my son, who is now five. As soon as he started to talk, he began saying all kinds of funny and poetic things. Of course, I'm sure that any parent thinks his kid is a genius. Anyway, here are all the quotes from the moment we started writing them down (Inauguration Day, 2009), to the present.

1.    [In response to "We have a new president today, Alex!"] - "A new present? Can we open it?"

2.    "We have to read stories, while I'm eating the candy."

3.    "I wish the hurt would fall off."

4.    "Mama weighs three inches long."

5.    "Struggling... juggling!"

6.    "When we're done with our songs, we can nurse and read the story."

7.    "Let's stop and think about the lights on the car for a moment."

8.    "Can I see it with my eyes, mama?"

9.    "I want to drink alone."

10.    [To daddy] "If you were a kid, I wish I were your best friend."

11.    "Hey! How did that moon get in our backyard?"

12.    "Trust me. I'm an assistant."

13.    "Are you going to listen to me say 'skyscraper'?"

14.    "Actually, the path is just a playground."

15.    "It sniffs terrible!"

16.    Alex: "Knock Knock!"

Daddy: "Who's there?"

Alex: "Banana!"

Daddy: "Banana who?"

Alex: (laughs)

17.    "I need the rest for my mouth. That will make me feel better."

18.    [When told he could have only a few more licks of his lollipop] "I just need to keep it in my hand."

19.    "Actually, I need a straw for this milk."

20.    "I dreamt about pancakes. They were sleeping with me without any syrup, but they still tasted good."

21.    "It smells flossy in here. It smells like a candy cane!"

22.    "Pretty cool, huh? When you grow up, you can do this with me!"

23.    "I want one. I want one. Gimme one. Please! Please! Please!"

24.    "It's OK if I keep my belly on?"

25.    "Don't touch my mooses!"

26.    "I don't want one toy -- I just want two."

27.    "I want the hurt to come off."

28.    "Stretches happen in the morning."

29.    "I want to go to the airplane store."

30.    "I have a plan. My plan is to bend down and pick them up."

31.    "You're just a smartycat."

32.    "Can I politic with Emily?"

33.    "Hot chocolate makes me feel better, but more hot chocolate makes me feel more better."

34.    "Hey mama, what are my legs made of?"

35.    "We have to do some more "chess-ing."

36.    "Daddy, would you be quiet for a second, please?"

37.    "Too much buzzing. We're waking up the neighbors."

38.    [chanting] "Talk about me. Talk about me. Talk about me..."

39.    "We need to sleep in. We don't want to sleep out because our beds are in the house."

40.    "Mama, is it OK if I wiggle my guinea pig?"

41.    "Don't do that, mama. You're going to wake up the neighbors."

42.    "I don't want to be watered!"

43.    "The butterfly balloon isn't made for scaring. It's made to love." (3/2010)

44.    "As I start off my journey, I'm going to see you in a second."

45.    [In answer to "I wonder where this hole came from?"] "I think it came from Africa."

46.    "There's no such thing as Grape Nuts."

47.    "We have to go see the heartbeat eagle. She lives in the branches."

48.    "My hands are cold because I played too much bubbles outside this week."

49.    "I want to wear my morning pajamas."

50.    "Is the chocolate going in my belly?"

51.    "You should say: Bubble Crust!"

52.    "I'm singing to the pancakes. Pancakes love to sing."

53.    "But there's no hot lava in there because it's not a volcano, it's a floor."

54.    "The ball and I are going to sleep in our bed."

55.    "I can't stop thinking about hot chocolate."

56.    "It's broken. We need to hopscotch it back together."

57.    "Can you protect the darkness from me?"

58.    "I'm not interested in washing."

59.    "Look! Pears dancing in outer space!"

60.    "This pillow is getting a little too big."

61.    "My friend the elevator speaks Spanish."

62.    "Look mama! I made an airplane out of my head!"

63.    "You are making me very displeased."

64.    "Uh-oh. It looks like I may have eaten the whole thing."

65.    [Heard very often] "You did it wrong!"

66.    "I want a toy which is big, with big levers."

67.    "I'm not going to touch it; just look at it."

68.    "We're going to eat our oatmeal first and then go to the Exploratorium. Does that sound like a fair trade?"

69.    "Does all of the milk go down, down, down to my brain?"

70.    "If we had a musical car we could fill it with music."

71.    "I'm getting pretty pretty grown-uppy."

72.    "I would be delighted to put a diaper on myself."

73.    "The present of a little kiss would make it perfect."

74.    "When my hands grow up, I'll be a grownup!"

75.    "That kind of swimming pool is for fingers, not for me."

76.    "Why do magic wands make bunnies?"

77.    "My brain is a very unusual machine, mama!"

78.    "Magnets keep people up!"

79.    "I had a good flight, mama."

80.    "Quite good candy. I'm delighted to have candy."

81.    "What kind of backpack is it? Is it a piggy-backpack?"

82.    "I don't like salad. They're too green for me."

83.    "All that hot chocolate made me hungry."

84.    "Mans don't like tea. Mans like coffee."

85.    "Daddy, did you know that life changes the seeds into apples?"

86.    "Friday we get to make fried rice."

87.    "I think the light bulb burned out. It was shining too much."

88.    [Question: "What are you doing, Alex?"] "Looking for something that isn't sharp, is not dangerous, and doesn't have blades."

89.    "What are you waiting for, Mama, Christmas?"

90.    "You know, ducks can walk and ducks can fly, but ducks can't tumble."

91.    "I love to fall down in the mud. I think it's much too fun."

92.    "I'm going to dream about an octopus, a moose, some antlers and the moon."

93.    "I was dreaming about ladybugs because they have legs."

94.    I want to be as tall as Daddy. I want to be able to cook stuff."

95.    "Our planet is much more funner than Jupiter."

96.    "The world smells good today."

97.    "I want to order chocolate honey dumplings."

98.    "Mama, I don't know how to walk on my head."

99.    [Mama: "In general, Mama would prefer that you not do that."] "But this isn't in general."

100.    "The eraser will erase all the letters away."

101.    "I am not a boun-shee!"

102.    "That's like an elevator full of ice cream."

103.    "The brother and sister were guzzling down the dark hall."

104.    [While having a lesson in putting shoes on] "What if the tongue eats my foot?"

105.    "I don't know how you make the lava 'arump' out of the volcano."

106.    "That was one of my favorite bedtime songs when I was a little bit older."

107.    "Pencils don't ever dry out."

108.    "I don't want candy for breakfast -- after breakfast."

109.    "It smells like mint for skunks."

110.    "So... part of our house looks like a square."

111.    "I'm going to finish the rest of my sleeping when I wake up."

112.    "I need something different to eat, that's brown and wrapped up in a package. And looks like a mint."

113.    "I'm 3-1/2 and soon I'll be driving."

114.    [A pizza] "Cheese, applesauce and gummi flowers."

115.    "I want to eat 3 gallons of cereal and 4 muffins."

116.    "I want something more to eat. Not any beans."

117.    "I'm just going to look up at the stars and wonder if there's someone out there not quite like me."

118.    "I had a wonderful dream last night. It was about stars and flowers."

119.    "When I grow up and I'm a present scientist I will send you a coffee mug with a whistle on it."

120.    "One day I scooted outside the house without you, without my helmet and without falling down."

121.    "I 'ax-wa-dent-wy' dropped it."

122.    "My whole body's too warm. There's sun inside me."

123.    "You know, Mama, I like you because you're sweet."

124.    "I'm going to do one more verse of my dance..."

125.    "The bees made this honey and then they went to the store and put it in the stick. That's why they call it a honey stick."

126.    "It's the attic for my downstairs room."

127.    "All the parts of our body make us work, right Daddy?"

128.    "The bees gave the people honey to people and kept the bee honey for the bees."

129.    "Pluto got turned into not a planet because it got fired."

130.    "If you were a flying squirrel, I would see how high you go and I would say, "Holy Hot Dogs!"

131.    "In a couple of days, I'll be ready for high school. Next I'm going to kindergarten."

132.    "Daddy, you're making noise too loud!"

133.    "Look at this move! I never showed you that move in a week!"

134.    "I don't like sulfuric acid."

135.    "Bath time is a good time to be in the tub."

136.    "Daddy has goofed me out!"

137.    "Mama, I want to cuddle with you for the rest of my life."

138.    "I just showed you, tomorrow!"

139.    "Now that I had throwup, can I have a burrito?"

140.    "I always say, nothing like good cake with a good glass of milk!"

141.    "This rice is perfect and yummy for a boy." (5/10)

142.    "Daddy, not all cities have seagulls." (5/10)

143.    "It's getting yummier and yummier. It's getting so yummy, it's going to taste up the town!" (5/10)

144.    "I miss your love when you're not cuddling with me." (5/10)

145.    "No! I want to be by myself... with mama!" (5/10)

146.    "My hair is not a place you can kiss. You have to kiss the skinny parts."

147.    "A field trip makes every day better."

148.    "There's nothing gooder than a fresh lollipop." (6/10)

149.    "I like things with buttons, switches, levers and knobs."

150.    "You're not so old. You still have hair!"

151.    "Stop saying that! You're joking off my brain!" (6/24/10)

152.    "I love you when I need a glass of milk... and when I don't." (6/28/10)

153.    "Mama's my best grownup." (6/29/10)

154.    "How come ducks can't fly, if they were given wings?" (7/10/10)

155.    "I did a lot of laughing. It coughed out my nerves."

156.    "I don't understand... I don't know who made us." (7/10)

157.    "That's not likely to happen in this world, but it did." (8/10)

158.    "It's relaxing in the tub, lying down, getting clean, doing nothing." (8/27/10)

159.    "Nothing like a cup of hot cocoa on a cold, cold day." (8/29/10)

160.    "'Floor' is a funny way of saying 'street' or 'sidewalk.'"

161.    "I'm sometimes silly." (8/31/10)

162.    [A dream] "The moon was high in the sky. A boy in bed. A watch on the shelf. Mama in bed. And the sun comes up! Cuckoo! That makes it a cuckoo sun." (9/4/10)

163.    "Did you know that I can speak regular, French, and England?" (9/8/10)

164.    "His name is Tony Freebodkin."

165.    "Stop terrifying my reading." (9/18/10)

166.    "Potlucks are not parties. I read it in a book."

167.    [A dream] "I went to the North Pole. It was warm that day. I met Santa Claus, but he didn't look like Santa Claus. He looked like someone I love and he was giving presents, so it was Santa Claus."

168.    "I just gave myself a great idea."

169.    "Why did you put a toy I love into the "not love" bag?"

170.    "Butt is another word for tushy."

171.    "It doesn't require tape; it only requires folds." (11/2/10)

172.    "There's a new game that I play at school. Its name is called Superheroes Into Action." (10/10)

173.    "Stop making that wine smell on me."

174.    "Did you pack me anything gooder than a sandwich and an apple?"

175.    "I'm happy that I had some cake on one good birthday."

176.    "There's no such thing as a lemon meringue cake."

177.    "A newspaper is a book for grown-ups."

178.    "I'm not playing, I'm making."

179.    "We don't have to wash a new toy."

180.    "We have so many stuff."

181.    "I just ripped you off your pants!"

182.    "Did you know that chocolate coins are good luck? If you eat them, you have good luck inside your body."

183.    "Oh boy was that pie delicious!"

184.    "Now watch the old master!"

185.    "Your latkes taste like fried cardboard too!"

186.    "I'm going to play 'How the Christmas Tree Turned'!"

187.    "I like cocoa with mushrooms." (He meant "marshmallows.")

188.    "Space is always bigger than everything else."

189.    "A good movie will make me reach for the stars."

190.    "Can we sell Santa just one, two, three, four cookies, and the rest are for us?"

191.    "Know what this says? It says: If you walk through and someone is closing it, you'll bonk your head on the door."

192.    "My sister is grandpa's stunt double."

193.    "There's some sort of a TV show in my hands."

194.    "This [ice cream] is making my teeth feel like icebergs."

195.    "I'm counting fingers with my tongue."

196.    "I don't like it. It doesn't put a good taste on my tongue."

197.    "It's like me as a big balls and the shirt as a contestant."

198.    "The hotness is giving me love."

199.    "It's my job to make beautiful pictures for you at school."

200.    "But, I'm not really fond of potatoes or onions."

201.    "Now he's rummaging through the cabinet of what to eat."

202.    "Tony Stark is having a playdate to Bruce Wayne's house."

203.    "How about this? You can give me an apple every now and then."

204.    "If people weren't alive, who made the people?"

205.    "Mama is my sidekick."

206.    "If that's a quote, I'd rather have a piece of apple pie."

207.    "The dinosaurs that eat strawberries are called 'strawberry-ivores."

208.    "Know what? There is such a thing as daydreaming."

209.    "Know what? There is such a thing as pocket lint."

210.    "Dogs have stuff to think about, too."

211.    "I drink before I eat. Is that a quote?"

212.    "I was missing a piece of my dreams and I needed someone to come back and fix it."

213.    "You know what would be good to invent? Invisible candy bars, because the teacher couldn't see them at lunch."

214. "Even water can break bubbles. Bubbles aren't very strong."

215. "Oops... sorry Santa!"

216. "Life is hammered and sizzled and cooked in a pan."

217. "Not every day is yesterday."

218. "This movie [The Wizard of Oz] is kind of appropriate for kids, eh?"

219. [While coloring] "It's a dark, intelligent brown."

220. "If you are making toys and have a treat, you'll have to eat the treat for them, because toys are toys." (3/30/11)

221. "You used to work in the movies, and then you became a daddy."

222. "This is good pizza! What a feast!"

223. "Now I've heard everything."

224. "One day an idea shot up in my mind. It was called 'Let's make a rainbow laser thing.'"

225. "You don't have to brush my teeth right after my pajamas. I want that to stop... forever."

226. "Snowrunt is 'versing' the ninja."

227. Mama: "Alex, you're cute." Alex: "...And sweet!"

228. "We ain't stuffin' any dreams into our mouth."

229. [At dinner] "This is the life!" (6/5/11)

230. "Write down Emmett because I really like Emmett. Write down Pikachu too."

231. "I think Santa Claus is watching a movie that never ends."

232. "Miraculous dinner!" (5/23/11)

233. "These rock my whole mouth!" (5/30/11)

234. "I'm not under three -- I'm on top of three!" (6/11/11)

235. "Know who doesn't have to say 'please'? Kings!" (6/15/11)

236. "'H' makes the right sound when you're tired." (7/11)

237. "I don't want no peas. I just want some tea." (7/22/11)

238. "There's one million dollars in the world." (7/23/11)

239. "Think about it... a hamburger and juice? That wouldn't be nice." (7/24/11)

240. "It always wonders me how people were made." (7/28/11)

241. "It's been a long day's night and I've been shakin' like a bone."

242. "Your socks are no match for me!"

243. "Before your very eyes, the famous Alex will take off his shoes!" (8/10/11)

244. [singing] "You'll make a trapeze or dance on your knees!" (8/18/11)

245. "Know what would be the longest story ever? If you told a story about all the people, ever, it would take forever to read." (8/27/11)

246. "There's nothing flatter than paper."

247. [On building a birdhouse with grandpa] "This is an easier way to get a pet!" 

248. "Mama, can I give you the weather report? The rain is God's tears, the clouds are His breath, the snow is the salt on His toast, and the sun is His smile."