As I drove home from my first unofficial day of work at the preschool, I prepared to make a left turn onto the highway. I sat at the green light, my car ready to pounce when the coast was clear, which was not the case until the light had turned yellow/red. At which point I proceeded to make my turn, as I was in the middle of the intersection and in the way. It was a maneuver that I thought was safe, and as the light was technically red, I made the assumption that pulling out would be fine.
However, a car that was driving way too fast decided that it did not want to slow for the yellow, nor stop for the red. It came speeding through the intersection, which fortunately I noticed in time and slowed before pulling out into it's deathly path. It noticed me and finally decided to skid to a stop, sending it upon the grass median.
For once, my heart did not stop. As a collision had been successfully avoided, I continued to drive on my way home. I was startled, but overall unfazed. However, little by little, the self doubt began to surface. Leaving a few questions: Was it my fault? Did I do something wrong? And what would've happened if I had been driving just a smidgen faster, or turned a bit more promptly?
Self doubt is the virus that eats away our self confidence. Though no accident has happened, self doubt crushes us and breaks us anyway. It shatters our faith.
Thus in the minutes . . . hours proceeding such an occurrence, I beat myself over the small details. I convince myself that I am not a safe driver, a menace to the roads. I make believe that others find me a failure, don't trust me either. They believe I am not good enough. And that is the point where self doubt becomes detrimental; because it is no longer the doubt you have in yourself, but the doubt you believe others have in you.
I know today that it was not my fault. I know that I followed the traffic rules. And I know that because I was on guard, I prevented the accident. But more than all that, I know that God was there, the real guardian. The devil tried to break me down, the little confidence I have for driving, he tried to steal it away. But through faith in God, I will not let him win. I win because tomorrow I will get back out there; I will drive that same path; I will not have doubt; I will not be broken down.
So, if you read this self meditative post, thank you. I hope in a way you can gain something from it. And sorry for the lack of pictures. But through writing this, I have realized what a blessing writing has been in my life. I am a dweller and an internal processor, but when I write, I let all of those pent up thoughts and emotions spill out onto the page. I am given the chance to look and see the greater picture and to express how I am really feeling, rather than to hold those emotions deep inside where they fester and grow. Writing has taught me to let go of that self-doubt, because it helps to send those feelings out into the universe, to shun them away and let them have been but to be no more.
Anyway, when life deals you a sticky situation, remember an almost is not a did. Thus something that almost happened is not something that did happen. Do not dwell on what could have happened, just give thanks for what didn't.
