Review: Battleship

At some point, in some Hollywood pitch meeting, someone said "alien invasion" and "based on a popular board game" at the same time, and the green light went on faster than an exploding robot.

Thus, Battleship was born.

Alien invasion movies usually work based on three things: strong characters, cool aliens, and a good idea. Battleship has boring characters, boring aliens, and a couple of minor ideas so stupid that they may elicit a temporary smile.

It begins with the hero, Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch), as a lovable, scruffy loser who accidentally wreaks havoc while trying to impress a girl (Brooklyn Decker). Later, he joins the Navy and becomes a lieutenant, and he's not so scruffy or lovable anymore.

The girl turns out to be the daughter of an admiral (Liam Neeson). After Alex fails to ask the admiral for permission to marry his daughter, the aliens attack.

They look pretty much like giant Transformers, with Power Rangers stocked inside. The alien ships and armor contain a sensor that shows whether something is violent or not: green means safe, and red means violent. (How does it know?) If it's red, they blow it up.

Meanwhile, we get scenes of the girlfriend, a scientist (Hamish Linklater), and a wounded army vet with prosthetic legs (Gregory D. Gadson, who, in a tip of the hat to The Best Years of Our Lives, is the real thing), trying to sabotage the aliens' communications.

We also get the obligatory scenes with the Secretary of Defense and a bunch of other guys sitting around a big table.

The first stupid idea is how the movie fits in the "Battleship" board game motif; immune to radar, the surviving sailors figure out a way to track them using water displacement, electronic buoys and a computer grid. The scene only lasts a few minutes, but it's fun.

Then, when all the destroyers are sunk, the crew is forced to bring out a 70 year-old battleship, complete with its crew, a team of aging Korean War veterans that knows how to run her (shades of Space Cowboys). These old guys get no real names or characters, but they do get to swear from time to time, which is supposed to be cute.

The rest is visual effects, explosions, and pop star Rihanna, who gets to be sassy in her acting debut.

Director Peter Berg (The Kingdom, Hancock) doesn't so much direct as copy older ideas and throw money at them. If this is entertainment, we're sunk.

Review: Wrath of the Titans

In Wrath of the Titans, a new sequel to a remake (but not a remake of a sequel), the demigod Perseus (Sam Worthington) returns, once again hoping to live a peaceful life as a fisherman, this time with his son, Helius (John Bell). But once again, the universe -- or is it just the earth? -- is threatened. 

Hades (Ralph Fiennes), aided by his nephew Ares (Edgar Ramirez), hatches an evil plan to drain the powers of Zeus (Liam Neeson) and resurrect Hades' and Zeus' father, Kronos, who is actually a giant, fiery beastie. It's up to Perseus to hit the road, assemble the three parts of a mighty weapon, rescue Zeus, and battle the beastie before it rampages all over the place in slow motion. (Really, it would take a very long time for this thing to destroy the earth.) In the meantime, he battles several other giant, computer-generated monsters, so by the time he gets to the really big one, the build-up has rather worn off. 

For some reason, once again, Perseus is saddled with a group of oddball sidekicks including a queen (Rosamund Pike), a comical cousin, the half-human son of Poseidon (Toby Kebbell), and a gratuitous pretty girl (Lily James). Unfortunately, even giving Perseus someone to talk to during his travails does little to add depth to his character. Indeed, he's about as interesting as many of the rubbery-looking digital creatures. 

The dialogue consists of the characters occasionally reminding each other of what's going on. While concentrating on this, the writers forget to supply Kebbell with any funny lines. He just turns into scenery. Even the most skilled among the cast look like they're trying hard to stay awake. (Though to be fair, even the great Laurence Olivier grappled with this problem in the 1981 original.) 

Thematically, the movie pretends to struggle with what it's like to be human, but clearly doesn't have much to say on the subject; it's far more concerned with battles and 3D effects. 

Director Jonathan Liebesman has been responsible for some outright junky films in his day, including Darkness Falls, Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, and Battle: Los Angeles. Wrath of the Titans is no exception. Yet somehow this bland sequel manages to improve slightly on its bombastic and aggressively stupid predecessor. So, those that liked Clash of the Titans and were eagerly awaiting a sequel will be pleased, but the greater majority will have to wait for something better.